Nothing Stays, Everything Changes.

Today has been really really cathartic and freeing. In fact, I would venture to say that today is the first day since last October or November that I really felt like I was myself, in my own body, mind and emotions. People keep asking me why I haven't been blogging, and requesting that I write a post for months, but I kept saying I was too busy. The truth of the matter is that I tried. I even sat down a few times and attempted posts, but I have been battling some sort-of-gnarly winter depression and it has been impossible for me to sit and write anything inspiring, (or some days anything positive at all) and if isn't genuine, I'm not doing it. The point is, I haven't been blogging because this winter drained me of every ounce of energy I had, but one of my favorite mantras is "Nothing stays, everything changes." and winter and the depression it brings is no exception.

What made today the day things started to look up for me? I have a few guesses:

1) Today I met with a friend who accepts and loves me completely. She is one of those friends I have called up just to pour my heart out and cry and cry and cry, and she's one of those friends who I can go get manicures with and talk about nothing. She gets my inner workings, and I feel safe with her. That alone helped me feel better.

2) We ate good healthy food and drank yummy tea. Of course I felt good about that!

3) I colored her hair. Being a hairdresser is a funny thing. It's work, but it's also art, science, and genuine human interaction. Those 3 things are pretty much what makes my world go 'round. Add in the fact that when I'm done with a client I get the satisfaction of a finished product and they feel happy with the way they look, and what's not to feel good about?

But the biggest reason I think I felt an almost physical snap out of my winter doldrums was this:

4) We painted, and it wasn't pretty. I got a big piece of poster board and threw paint on it. I put paint on my hands and smeared it all around. I put paint on a brush and splattered it everywhere. I hit my poster board. I made delicate little marks, then sprayed them with water and watched them drip all over the place. I made 5 tiny sweet pink marks that made me think of my 4 siblings and my mom, who are all across the country. I made a big yellow blob that reminded me that even though it's been behind dark, wet clouds for months now, there is a gorgeous yellow sun just waiting to bring me warmth. I've never painted before because I didn't think I had the artistic aptitude for it (I can't even draw a stick figure properly), but today I realized that painting the way I did is less about creating something recognizable and beautiful, and more about true self expression and honest, raw emotion. It was incredibly freeing to try something new in such a safe environment, and just let all the gunk that had accumulated during my bummed out, tired, grey, lonely winter explode out on a clean, white slate. It was a kind of purge that I kept attempting to write about, but just didn't have the words to execute.

I guess where I'm going with this is that I think I'm back. I'm at least back enough to blog again. And if you have been feeling shitty lately for whatever reason, I highly recommend making a big mess out of something that started out sterile and pristine. After all, nothing stays. Everything changes.